For the past 5 years there has been this constant voice in my head telling me it’s time I had children, but a lot has happened and time flew by fast. Now, the voice comes from my heart and my head can’t help but wonder if this is the right time.
So how do I answer that question? Do I get guidance from my friends who are already mothers or should I just ask my own mother? What is the perfect time to have a baby? Is it when you feel the urge? Should you plan the whole thing in advance? Will Mother Nature let you know? When both you and your partner are ready? Truth be told, there is no right answer.
Is it age?
A Psychology Today article states that “A couple in their mid to late thirties aiming for a first pregnancy has significantly lower odds of being successful in getting pregnant. Conception is likely to take longer to accomplish. The pregnancy is likely to be more uncomfortable, with more morning sickness. The rates of birth defects, mental retardation and autism begin to zoom upward.” Scary, isn’t it? At the same time, we live in a world where women pursue their own financial stability and careers, with the same intensity as men do, so we no longer talk about the post college time when a woman would go ahead and start a family with her highschool sweetheart and have a baby by 25.
Maybe it’s me!
One might say that the simple act of asking the question “Is it me?” means you are not up for the task just yet. Personally I always ask myself if the time was now, what do I have to offer? What is the gift I can give to a child who decides to join me in this lifetime? Will I be a good enough parent, and by “good enough” I mean: will I be the kind of parent who doesn’t disappoint his child too much? Is there a “right” balance between being your child’s friend and your child’s parent?
Is it him?
There comes a time when a woman has reached her decision, at least mentally, however, she now needs to share her thoughts with the significant other. And yet another question pops into mind: is he ready for the talk? He is probably not. Dare I say there are very few men who know they want to have children before women do, and most discussions end happily with the woman supporting her man’s wish (out of love and understanding, even if she’s not there yet).
On the other hand, the more common situation is when a woman brings up the subject and gets rejected for any reason you might think of: “I am not ready to give up my life”, “I won’t have any time to play music”, “Our relationship is not strong enough”, “I don’t need another responsibility”, “I am tired”, “I want a child, but not right now”. The list is infinite. To me, that is usually a sign that something is going terribly wrong that time will not make better, but the opposite.
So, who do we turn to?
My first thought is: other Moms! I turn to all my friends who have already become Moms once or twice, to my friends who are now expecting children, to the ones who have adopted children and to the ones who haven’t stopped trying. First of all, let me say I love you all! Each of you is a real inspiration to me, a model of courage and hope, warmth and love, discipline and self control, strength and success.
It is your everyday routines that make you amazing Moms and amazing people. It is your ability to stay sleepless for hours or days that makes you invincible. Your devotion that makes you put somebody else first without even blinking, your divine power to make it all better, even if inside you are shaking and fearing the worst; all this and a whole lot more is what makes you fearless! I bow down to each of you and hope I can be just like you one day!
Each day you Give. Take. Recreate